| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2003|01:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Constantine-Something Corporate | ] |
I'm sorry for making it friends only, I have my reasons, I just decided i'm not comfortable letting people read it..I don't know, comment and I will Add you back... |
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| Bad day.... |
[Jul. 24th, 2003|06:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Again I Go Unnoticed-Dashboard Confessional | ] |
Today has been a bad day..I hate today, I barely talked to Ashely today...Even though I went out to lunch with her and She came over..She barely said a word to me today...I'm not even kidding...TODAY SUCKED!!!! She's seemed change now that we are going out...I figured she's be really happy now that we are back together...she seemed to be into me while we weren't..Maybe its just today..I hate it...She's probablly gonna say something about the one entrie about lunch...I just want to feel included..not her undivided attention...I just feel un wanted..Thats how she made me feel today..Matt Hoard just told me this
"FHSDrummerBoy: I told ashley that i still have feelings for her and i never stopped....then she started getting all doubtfull in her decision...and i told her you were the right way to go...I told her you were a great guy that wouldnt do anything to hurt her in any way...Now i can just see your a normal backstabbing person"
I'm about of fucking just lose...I can fucking see why she was so fucking different today..OMG..DOUBTING, I swear if this is true....I'll talk to her later about...but for now, I'm leaving... |
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| Right... |
[Jul. 24th, 2003|01:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Most Depressing song-The Get Up Kids | ] |
I just read Matt Hoards journal and I think he's trying make Ashley fall for him again, I don't think its working, I hope its not..The stuff that he says..." I said Ashley H was great because she actually is great...shes the nicest girl ever...she would have never done anything to hurt me and i guess once again i was blinded by my love for Ashley S not to see Ashley H for who she is...the loving and caring girl she is"...I think its ridiculous...Matt tries to make girls feel sorry for him and shit..I guess this wouldn't be so bad or anything, Had Ashley not said that All her feelings for Matt Rushed Back and then she said that it was just a moment...FUCK, I have a such a negative mind, about EVERYTHING...I'm sorry, I need to calm down, she told me that she has no feelings for matt, and I believe her, I just hope she's absolutely sure, she said she was, so I believe her...but she told me she had no feelings for Matt, and then the first day of marching band came..Thats only one time though, I'm trusting her with my heart again...I'm trusting her to be upfront with me...I'm gonna go...I just needed to blow off steam about his journal, it bothers me that he's like this!!! bye... |
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| Lunch Was TERRIBLE!!!!!!! |
[Jul. 24th, 2003|01:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Globes And Maps-Something Corporate | ] |
Remind to not go up there to eat lunch with her or to see her, I don't know...I walked up there and I really didn't think I'd make it before noon but I did and When see seen me, there was like nothing, she didn't seem excited or anything, she didn't hug me, kiss me or nothing...I don't know, man...I felt like out of place, like I didn't belong there..So we went out to eat and it was me, my friend Brian, and her friend Ashley and Alexis, they are also my friends...Maybe I put her on the spot or something, I guess she can't just include me with her friends or anything, she didn't even talk to me or anything, at all...I just wanted to..I felt so not welcome there with her, so after lunch they went to a party store buy stuff to drink, so after that I finally just said I was going to see my dad, so he could give me a ride home and she stopped walking with her friends and said bye and I asked her if she was gonna call when she got out and she said yeah and we kissed...I went up there to see her and it was like she could care...I will talk to her about when she comes over today..I just wanna know that If I go up there to see her, is she gonna pay attention to me, I wanted to suprise her and spend her lunch with her but I guess she wasn't to into it, I said something to Brian, So he is probablly gonna mention something her...I went out of my way to see her...I didn't even plan on going up there but I did because I really wanted to see her, and I figured she wanted to see me but Maybe she just didn't want to...I don't feel reckless now saying that I love her..I've known her for almost a year, I've gotten to know her...Its not like this is the first time we've gone out either...But I'm not gonna tell her"I love you", I'm gonna wait...I'm gonna go...I hate myself....I know when I say something to her about lunch today, she's gonna say"I'm not gonna ignore my friends when your around", she didn't seem to have too much of a problem talking to me when they were around yesterday..Maybe because we weren't going out..Which is ridiculous..I have to go..I need to clean up before she gets here... |
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| ..... |
[Jul. 24th, 2003|10:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Constantine-Something Corporate | ] |
I slept a full nights sleep last night...I layed down before 11, and slept through the entire night..Untill about 9:15..I had set my alarm for 7:45, so I could get up and eat and stuff before I walked up to marching band...but I didn't hear it untill 9:15, so I may go up there at lunch to have lunch with Ashley or something...I want to see her though...Even though she is coming over today...Which is awesome...When I told her I was yesterday, I thought I was gonna cry, I had so much pent up emotion that I almost cried yesterday when I told her...It was intense, I hope things work out this time and if they don't, I hope things are different when we break up..
I'm comfortable saying that she is my first love, I never really understood that untill yesterday, when my mom asked me if Ashley was my first love, I was a bit afraid to tell my mom because I thought that maybe she would go all,"your too young to know what love is" thing, but she didn't, she told me that I didn't have to tell her because she could tell...There is no other person I want to be with, no one makes me feel the way she does, I can't even say how she does, its impossible...
The Sigh of Relief that came over me yesterday when she told me that she didn't like Matt, I got a ball in my throat just seeing her in the morning, she walked right passed me and I thought at first she was ignoring but then I said hi to her friends then she turned and seen it was me and then she called me over and was like"Yeah, I thought about, and I don't like him", I updated 7 times about her telling me that her feelings came back for Matt, I thought I lost her again, I didn't like that feeling, I hated it...
Last night, Online, I told her I was ready, I didn't actually ask her to be my girlfriend, so Today, I think I will, even though, she said that we were together, I didn't do it online, I'd rather do it in person..OH, I could go do at lunch, wait, I could, but I don't want to like throw of her concetration...
I can't wait to see her today...I'm gonna go and make a sandwich or something.... |
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| Hey... |
[Jul. 23rd, 2003|10:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
Today turned out alright...I walked to Band Camp and talked to Ashley and she told me that she thought about it and she doesn't like matt..It was one of those moment things...You know, where you see them and all of those happy times and your reminded of feelings...I believe her..Because I know how it feels...She was supposed to come over today after camp..but she didn't and she didn't call but she called as soon as she could and then we made plans for tomorrow after band camp and the plans are final...
She told me something today that really bummed me out, what she told me doesn't matter, it just totally bummed me out anyway, I almost started to cry on the phone and she got off...I thought about it and I thought about it and I realized that I wanted to be with her and what she told me, couldn't affect that...And I was talking to my mom and I just realized how ready I was and I shouldn't be afraid to take a chance..So I told her I was ready to be with her again and now we are back together...Which is great, I can't wait to see her tomorrow...I just wanted to update and post some happy news instead of sad..I'm gone for now... |
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| Again... |
[Jul. 23rd, 2003|07:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | This Bitter Pill-Dashboard Confessional | ] |
I'm an update machine...The more I think about what has happened...The less it makes sense..I shit you not...Its crazy...
Ok, The last day of school...Me, my mom and Ashley were talking in the kitchen and I left and went in my room and I heard my mom and her talking and she told my mom that Matt was a big mistake and that she should have just listened to me about him and everything because I was right....He couldn't have been that big of a mistake because she likes him again...
I didn't update about her telling me about something she wrote on her about me..Matt was afraid that she was gonna hurt him the way she hurt me and he was afraid to go out with her and she wrote something about that and then said I was a big mistake...nice huh? She told me that she wasn't thinking when she wrote it...That was a long time ago though but still...thats kinda harsh...I am a mistake, I feel like a mistake...
I really want things to work out between us, right now, it doesn't look like its gonna happen, right now it looks like she likes Matt Hoard Alot, thats what it looks like..It looks like once again, I've been given the short end of the stick, once again, I'm left with the broken heart, no one else...just me.., but whats new...
Man...I need to stop being sad and stuff...I keep updating and I don't know why...I guess its because I'm not handling this "Matt" thing ok...It really hurts, it really does...I'm soo confused right now....I want to forget that all of this happened, I really do...
I guess the feeling that Me And Ashley shared together isn't enough to just cross out that Hoard..This situation is only going to get worse...She has to see him everyday for the next 2 weeks..EVERYDAY, she probablly won't see me once, she might be to wrapped up in the all wonderful hoard to notice me, I don't want to think like this but once again, this is usually what will happen...I really want to see her though...I'm thinking of seriously going up to Fitz...But I wouldn't be able to talk to her, I don't think I could, I probablly could, it would hurt though, she'd probablly walk up and give me hug or something that would just send my emotions crazy...
I can't stop thinking about her...I'm gonna go before I lose it.. |
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| It wasn't a...... |
[Jul. 23rd, 2003|05:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Globes And Maps-Something Corporate | ] |
Man, I came out of my room this morning after my mom left for work..She doesn't know yet about Ashley, I'll call her later on today and talk to her about it anyway..I come out here and I turn on my computer and it all loads up and I was hoping that last night didn't happen..I really did..I didn't even sleep..I layed in my bed looking at the ceiling while the events of last week friday played in my head...Now do I realize what a good day that day was...I didn't really think about it, but I basically held her almost the entire time I was there with here...I stood by the pool and held her while she was in it and I got splashed alot..thinking back on it..Holding her was worth the splashes...Thinking back on how I felt when we were at my house, I wanted to ask her out, but I didn't, I'm glad I didn't though, but If I did, I'd probablly feel the same though...Its nuts to think that like 2 weeks ago, she asked me back out and I told her no because I wanted to spend more time with her first...
Is this Ironic or what..Ashley commented on a journal entrie once on how I thought I played second best to matt...
"Your not second best... i'm done with Matt and it has nothing to do with his ex liking him again...even if she didn't i wasn't going to get back with him because even as much as he said he still liked me i know he didn't and like i said i kept thinking about you and finally realized i have feelings for you again.About Thursday believe me i wanted to hang out but i had to pack and help my mom out... i'm sorry... i wanted to hang out i really did...I don't like you because i can't have Matt... I"M DONE with him...he's an ass... the only thing i want to do with him right now is be friends and NOTHING more... the same thing won't happen again... i really think we've learned from the first time and have both grown since then you know what i mean? I really do want to get back together again... eventually... once we get to know eachother again.. alot of things can change in a few months away from some one... but all you need to know is your not second best your first... you better then any of the guys i've ever been with.... i might of said that before me and Matt were going out but looking back on that.. no one will ever compare to you... ok... just don't think anything like that..."
- <3 -
Ashley
Well, I feel second best again..I feel that I should feel second best, because once again, I'm second best..because if i'm not mistakin' she did say that all of the feelings for him came back..Which means either she likes him as much as she likes me or she likes him more than me..one or the other, because as long as I've known ashley, whenever she has liked me and someone else, she likes the other person more than me..I've talked alot with imhomer, he's cool guy...I totally understands where I'm coming from, and I need a friend like that..
I can so see Ashley and Matt going back out, I don't want them too, I hope they don't, but once again, I'm preparing for the worste...Maybe I should go up to marching band today, I'd have to hobble up there though...
She said that she wasn't gonna go back to him, but I can't help but think that she just might go back to him, you know...She likes him again, he misses her and thinks breaking up with her was a big mistake..OH, I forgot, I told her about missing her and stuff and she said that she found it funny..Real funny, I don't find it funny, I found it very unsettling, and it made me queezy and then Ashley just sort of pushed it over the edge by telling me she likes him again, which sucks!!!!!! and I hate it...i don't have any glue at my house, so it looks like I can't glue my heart back together...
Had I just moved on, like I was going to, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this thing...but no, I decided to try and give things another shot...The shot I didn't even get, This is so hard..Its hard pill to swallow....I feel so Vulnerable, last night, Ashley proved to me how Vulnerable I was, when I read what she wrote..It was like someone jabbed me in the chest with some blunt object...I gotta get my hoodie back from her...She can keep Matts..She has his too...His is better anyway...Thats not even cool..I need to stop...I wonder if she is gonna call me today...She's done a good job of calling me the past few days anyway, So, I don't expect one..She may go hang out with Matt or something..GOD, there I go again...But that is one of those things that wouldn't suprise...Would it destroy me...Yeah it would...it would crush, my already crushed heart...I'm hopping for the best..But I'm preparing for the worst...I've updated alot today..something like 4 or 5 times and 2 of them are back to back....I wonder when he's gonna just tell her that he wants her back...
God, Ashley's kinda put me through hell, first it was with Stanko and now its with Hoard...The Things I do for her..But I do it because I want to..I can't blame anyone for the things I do, I make the decisions myself...I actually wrote a bit this morning..just a little bit...a few lines...Probablly won't post it..There is something I'm gonna post right now I think... I think though...
Your Eyes Remind of a warm embrace
Your touch reminds of someone I once knew
the more I think about it, this person can't be you,
Your kiss is familiar, your lips are warm are wet
you remind me of a person I once met,
This person cared about me and loved me
The thought of them kept my body warm
during lonely cold nights, life wouldn't have the same
without them by my side...
This person would've done nothing to hurt me,
this person can't be you..
Ok thats it...There is something for you guys to read..I'm gonna go for now and be sad and alone some where else... |
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| New... |
[Jul. 23rd, 2003|03:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Still Globes and Maps by something corporate | ] |
I just read her journal again...I never realized she said that"ALL" of the feelings for him came back...If this is true, I'm done, I really am, All of this happened at once, it wasn't like she was like "i'm starting to like matt again" it was "I seen Matt today and All of those old feelings rushed back"...That sucks, I'm so not fine...I've been through so much stuff for her..All for her, because right now, she is the only one I want to be with, there is no one else..just her, I wish she could say the same about me...I can't deal, I really can't...I can't go through this...She is really pushing the"I would do anything to be with you" thing.
I'm sucha wreck right now...I'm like shaking and my body is cold, I don't want to think that things are gonna be different now..I want things to be the way they were before, I want her to like me and only me...Its insane to think how fast things changed for us...It really is..It went from she really wanted to be with me and I was the greatest guy and fuck every other guy and now it is"All of my feelngs rushed back for him" Why can't a girl feel the same way for me, as I feel for her...I always seem to lack that part...That sweat band smells like her and when I smell it..That feeling comes over me..It reminds of her but it also feels me with cold, because things are different now...her heart no long belongs to just me..There is another now, I think this is what he wanted..Because HE misses her soo much and how he says that breaking up with her was big mistake and he can't change it...But its looking like he will get to change that, isn't he lucky..She has struck a chord with me and with my heart that makes me want to be with her the way I do, I can't explain it...Just holding her and having her look up at me, the moment I look down at her and our eyes meet..Her eyes..they seem to go on forever and thats fine...I'm not handling this well...This is my 4th entrie about it and I'm still full of emotion..Why can't I just not miss her...I miss hugging her, holding her...I miss it, I thought things were different...It still hasn't sunk in that she no longer just likes me alot..she know likes him alot and everytime, it hits me in the face like a brick.....I miss the fact that now I know that its gonna be different to talk to her, I already miss our hours of telephone conversations...I miss her wierd sounds, I miss snorts..I miss her calling me over by her grandmas pool because she wanted a kiss..I feel like we broke up, thats how it feels, its hard to keep my head up and type this, my eyes hurt from crying, it hurts to shut them...
Just thinking about, makes me think about the good times I've had with here..It was nice to feel wanted again..I felt she needed me and I miss that soo much....I'm fighting myself to write this...I can honestly say that I believe she is my first love..She has caused my highest highs and my lowest lows and it was worth it all because thinking back on it..It taught what living was, Life just isn't about you, you owe it to your self to share your life with someone else and its the greatest thing ever, and nobody can take that away, even through death, love can survive..I've seen it, my grandma still loves my grandpa who's been dead since 96 and she doesn't want to be with anyone else..Thats How I want my love to be...I want my love to transcend death....
Why do I miss her..Why Do I want to be with her, I don't understand..I don't want to move on and forget about her..I don't want to give up, I'm willing to fight, for that feeling I get from her..Its worth the fight, I think I'm done..but i'm not done...just done with this entrie...
I hate this feeling, is love supposed to hurt like this?? |
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| FUCK!! |
[Jul. 23rd, 2003|01:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Globes and Maps-Something Corporate | ] |
God...This sucks, This really really really sucks...GOD!!!! Everything Is SO fucked..It really is..She may say that she still likes me alot and that but she's gonna start liking matt more and then some more and then once again, I'm out of the picture...I know wh6 it hurts soo much..It felt like we were going out, you know...We were soo close..I'm glad we weren't going out though...She'll never understand how bad she hurts me...NEVER..Its the people like that, that never ever feel just what they do to other people..She's just gonna keep doing this..I'll keep letting her come back and then she'll do this..why am I always battling for her...I'm so fucking torn between what to do...Part of me wants to stay, incase things work out and the other part is yelling at me to get the fuck out of dodge...
She has no Idea How she makes me feel...
It kills me...
I try so fucking hard and look where it gets me...NO WHERE..
I'm getting nowhere fast with a broken Heart...
The moment she said"some things" is just playing over and over again in my head...The way my heart felt when I seen that...It just dropped, I could feel it beating in my throat and in my stomach...I swear, its one of the worst feelings ever...I was just hoping I'd wake up..that the moment at had wasn't real..Just a figmant of my imagination..I just wanted to wake up....
Can somebody please tell me what the fuck is soo special about him...I don't understand, I will NEVER understand..Its not fair..She can say that she hates her self and how dumb she is...you know...I don't understand....I was taking a shower earlier..I was just sitting there in the tub(i can't stand) and it hit me again..What had just happened, hit me again...I just broke down again...I ran all of the hot water out and the water was like freezing... and I didn't care..I knew it was cold, but I didn't want to move...Maybe I'm not good enough for her, maybe he is totally a way better guy than me, you know, he's so honest and up front with his feelings..Every girl wants a guy like that...I'm so lost right now.
I like her soo much, but it means nothing, because i'm sure once matt hears of her liking him again, i'm done for..Matt will once again be the greatest guy in the world and I, will be reduced into the guy who she can tell everything, I'm doomed to be this guy, I'm always stuck in the shadow of somebody, theres always that something about that one guy, that I will never have, I'm realizing this now...In my darkest hour, what its like, to be alone..I'm sure there are people who think that this is nothing, but they are not me, they don't feel the way I feel...I don't know what to say, or how to feel, all I know is that I still like her alot and thats it..Where we go from here..I'll find out later...I'll probablly be alone..Cause I never get there girl..My record shows, especially with her, there is always some guy thats better than me, and lately its been Matt Hoard...I'm thinking its not gonna work out between her and I, as much as I would love for it to work out, its lookin' pretty glum right now, which makes me sad and I hate it, its very lonely world out there...Anyone who has anybody, don't take them for granted, maybe she will realize what she's throwing away and come to her sense..But I doubt it, I'm a fool her and right now I can't help it...I feel terrible and shaken...I miss the way things were before she decided she was gonna like matt...
I have this black and purple sweat guard I took from her because I wanted something of hers so It would remind of her or something...I keep thinking of that day and how everything seemed so right, the walk home from her grandmas house..I thought she was soo beautifull..The way she looked in the sun..I got that feeling of"SO, this is what its like" and then we got to my house and we kissed and it felt just like the first time and we hugged, I didn't want to let go, thinking back on it now, I wish I wouldn't have because that feeling..Is long gone? it looks like it isn't gonna come back and it kills me to think that but it just maybe the truth..I'm falling down that hole that doesn't have bottom..Everyones been there..I miss her..but why, she hurts me soo much..This pain I feel, isn't worth that happy feeling..I think so...I can't take this, its killing me, why can't she just like me and want to be with just me, there always has to be some one else...I'd like to think of myself as a decent guy, I'm honest and upfront...What is missing from me?? I don't get it...I hate being told what a great guy I am and How nice I am and all of that and still feel alone, I don't get it..This feeling sucks, I feel like there is a hole in me...a part gone...She is that part..Incomplete is what I am with out here....Not to be all cheesey..But I'm like a ruined puzzle...That missing peice can't just be filled by anyone or anything..only her..I gotta stop this..but I can't...Words can't describe the sadness I feel as I write this, I can't just play this off, its insane...The feelings and all of the stuff I go through for her...and she doesn't even realize...I bet there are soo many girls out there that would love to have a guy like me, but I guess she doesn't, because if she did, she'd know where to look, but I guess she's blind because she isn't seeing me..I'm always there for her, everytime, its always me...
I'm looking forward to a sleepless night....I miss you..... |
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| My heart is now gone... |
[Jul. 22nd, 2003|11:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Any thing and Everything Sad | ] |
sk8er5566: what are yo doing
Hopeless18229: nothing you
Hopeless18229: i'm just thinking
sk8er5566: thinking about what
Hopeless18229: some things
sk8er5566: somethings?
Hopeless18229: just some things....
sk8er5566: oh..alright..
sk8er5566: I'm not trying to pry or anything but is it something I'm not gonna like
Hopeless18229: fine i'll tell you..
Hopeless18229: ok well today.. ok i haven't seen matt in awhile... like i said i'm over him.. but i saw him today and all these old feelings came rushing back... but i do like you alot.. so that hasn't changed
Hopeless18229: oh god i can't breath
sk8er5566: you can't breath..
Hopeless18229: no i can it's just hard to right now..
sk8er5566: I knew this was gonna happen
Hopeless18229: listen i'm not going to go back to him..
Hopeless18229: i'm not going to play one of his games.. anyways.. i like you.. i want things to work out with you and me.. not me and him
sk8er5566: were you not gonna tell me?
Hopeless18229: i was going to after i thought it over..
Hopeless18229: believe me i'm not gonna hide anything from you
sk8er5566: I swear....On everything, you telling me this...Doesn't suprise me
Hopeless18229: that got me into to much trouble before
Hopeless18229: y doesn't it..
sk8er5566: It was really easy not to think of you, while not seeing you or how easy it was to tell myself I was over you when you weren't around...but the second I got around, it was all different
Hopeless18229: i really thought i was totally and completely over him i really did.. you've got to believe me..
sk8er5566: When you said"somethings" I knew exactly what it was about it...you would never hesitate to tell me anything at all, unless it was like this
Hopeless18229: I FUCKING HATE MYSELF... I ALWAYS MANAGE TO HURT YOU.. I'M SO FUCKING STUPID...
sk8er5566: just how bad is this situation
Hopeless18229: I DON'T KNOW RIGHT NOW I REALLY DON'T
sk8er5566: were you thinking about this earlier when you were on the phone
Hopeless18229: no my attention was on you... i wanted to talk to you
sk8er5566: no..you said you were thinking about something, but didn't tell me what
Hopeless18229: did i don't remember..
sk8er5566: I wish I would just wake up right now and this would be a dream
Hopeless18229: i didn't expect this to happen i really didn't
sk8er5566: I did...but I knew it was a possibilty
sk8er5566: I didn't know it was gonna happen but I knew that it might
Hopeless18229: i have to go ..
Hopeless18229: ttyl.. we'll talk about it later..
sk8er5566: ok
Hopeless18229: good nite...
I'm totally not suprised...But I'm totally torn apart...why does this happen to me.....Seriously...I'm so distraught...I knew what she was gonna tell me when she said"some things"...She didn't tell me..I knew what it was...My heart stopped when she said "somethings"..I got up and walked away....I had to prepare myself for what she was gonna tell me...Before I responded back the first time..I was balling, My body went numb..my heart like stopped...I couldn't feel my heart beating...I can't deal with this...Its always me...Why can't she go hurt someone else for a change..its always me!!!!...Everything I've been working on and building up too...GONE!!!!! all of it...I don't know what the fuck to do...I can hear everyone, all of my friends..in my head...just yelling"Told you so"...This completely takes the wind out of my sails...My body tempature is really high..but i'm freezing...I'm goose fleshy..I totally want to IM matt hoard and ask him if he's happy..I don't think she fully understands what this is causing or what this does to mine and hers relationship...She wants things to work out between me and her and not her and him but I'm building my self up for the worste...because i'm not gonna let my guard down..I always assume the worste and its usually true..So I'm not gonna be surpised if she tells me that she likes him alot and wants to be with him again...Right, it doesn't look like its gonna work out..I know there is plenty of you out there who are so saying to your selfs"I told him this was gonna happen"..I've lost alot today, I feel so fucking stupid right now...She said that she's stupid...Its amazing...Reading her journal last night alot has changed...here is her entrie...
Yeah so Brian gave me my new icon.. isn't it hot.. Chris Carrabba=way hot.. he he.. but yeah Brian is the best.. to bad i didn't get to hang out with him today.. i slept until like 11 and then i didn't get home until like 3 and then i cleaned my room and then got way tired and my mom made me seperate all my buttons with her.. so then Brian called and then we got off and i stopped seperating buttons and helped with dishes and then got on here.. then tomorrow and for the rest of the week i have band camp... i'm semi excited.. but yeah but i really really want to hang out with Brian SOON..he's so awesome.. like he's the greatest guy in the world.. fuck everyother guy.. Brian's the best.. he he.. lol.. yeah so.. I heart him.. like way.. so i'm going to go talk to him now...
Love Ashley
Here hun.. i did it just for you.. luv ya... hehe..
she did it just for me!!!! I so feel like I'm all of those things she says about me...and here is her entrie tonight...
I"m so fucking stupid.. i thought i was totally and completely over him.. and then i see him and all those old feelings come rushing back.. i hate myself for allowing it to happen... i just looked and him and all of sudden they just all came back.. GOD I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH... i like brian i truely do alot.. i don't know what to do now.. I'M SO FUCKING DUMB.. WHY THE FUCK DID I ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN.. WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN.. NOTHING CAN EVER JUST WORK OUT FOR ME.. GOD DAMNIT.. NOW I'M GOING TO FUCKING CRY.. GOD I HATE CRYING BUT NOW I'M GOING TO.. GOD I HATE MYSELF.. I'M GOING TO GO NOW..
She wants things to work out for her...This year has been the worst of my life...There has been a few good things..some great...some awesome...but those are too few agains all of the things and the way she has made me feel this year...A few things have worked out for me..Getting Mr.Blonde, taking reservoir Dogs To states...The Best feeling this year for me was being up on stage and getting our ovation...I told myself before I even decided anything with Ashley, that if this were to happen, that it would be the last time, here I am...the same thing again and I'm sooo torn...
I think she's gonna keep doing this to me...I let her come back and look where it got me...Everyone is gonna tell me to leave her alone and not go back and not to look back, I want things to work out and it looked like that it might, it really did..I was happy again...I know there are gonna be people that are thinking big deal, move on and its not the only thing in my life...but right now, that is it..I have nothing else going on in my life, There is very few people I hang out with, she was one of them..Things are gonna be soo different now and I already hate it...I miss the way things were, they were fine before and now everything is fucked..I'm gonna go..I wonder what this is gonna drag out of me..... |
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| Man... |
[Jul. 22nd, 2003|10:45 pm] |
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I feel like an asshole for posting the entrie before this one...Should I...I don't know how to feel about it...Geez, I need help..I'm done...I'm sorry for this pointless update... |
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| I'm so fucking dumb!!!! |
[Jul. 22nd, 2003|09:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Crushed..but alright | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The New Version of Hands Down | ] |
Once again..Disappointed I am..Ashley didn't come over today, thats cool..She never said she was and we talked today and then she said she was gonna call me back..and she didn't..she had to pass out flyers..Am I the only person that hates that..She knows I hate it..but I'm not looking for her to change or anything..but I'm assuming that she knew she had to pass flyers before she got off the phone with me....God...I hate that, I really do..It really makes me feel like i'm being run around, you know..Don't say your gonna do something if your not gonna do it..I'm already feeling bad about posting this entrie because I always seem to feel bad about being the way that I am..Why does it bother me soo much..You would never think that such a thing as phone call that wasn't made could bother someone..Its insane, right now I feel like I'm making a big stink about it, but I'm just saying how I feel and stuff...Well, Matt Misses Ashley sooo much..Doesn't suprise me...and breaking up with her was a big mistake..doesn't suprise me either...I'm done for now |
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| What I promised... |
[Jul. 21st, 2003|10:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hands Down(New Version)-Dashboard Confessional | ] |
Ok...I wrote this awhile ago...Its called "UnSpoken Cost"
Sitting Here Waiting,
Waiting For You
Are You Coming?
I Sit and Wonder,
As Time Goes by,
Why you are there and I am here,
I don't understand...
Do You Even care?
My heart is torn apart by your blank Stare,
This Silence is deafening to me, We haven't spoken in days,
My vision and thoughts are clouded by this confusing haze...
Do you understand the way I feel?
My heart is aching from this pain that you deal,
What else do you want?
I gave you my heart on a plater for you to flaunt...
You weren't always like this,
I was the person that you always missed,
and I was the only you wanted to kiss
Losing you is my greatest fear,
even though I feel like I already lost,
My emotions and heart was this expensive, unspoken cost
Am I screaming loud enough for you to hear?
What I wouldn't give to feel you near,
I just wish,wish you were here...
ok..then ending seems kinda cheesy to me..but that is just me..Give me thoughts and feed back..Thanks.... :) |
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| lol...no not really |
[Jul. 21st, 2003|06:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | This Bitter Pill-Dashboard Confessional | ] |
What the heck..I swear sometimes I hate being me..I really do..I can't just not care or anything..I let the dumbest things annoy the piss out of me...
I talked to Ashley last night and asked what she was doing today and she told me that she had the hospital and had to buy a folio and said that she wouldn't be gone all day and that there was possiblity that we could see eachother today..So today, I cleaned my room and such just in case she did come over or anything...I figured she'd call around 3 to see what was going on because she usuallys around that time everyday,almost everyday anyway...but she didn't call, which is fine, I was just used to it...My mom asked me if she called or whatever or if I talked to her and I said no,she probablly call when she's done with everything and stuff, So I didn't worry about or anything because I figured she'd call when she was done tell me if we would be able to hang out or not, of cousre I built my self up on seeing her today, because I'm a stupid fuck and always plan on stuff when I know inside that odds are, won't happen...Anyway, I called her house a little bit ago, figuring she wouldn't be home because she hadn't called, so I call and she answers..I'm already bummed because she hadn't called yet(not that she said she would or anything) but because she home and stuff already, SO I ask her how her grandpa is and stuff and she said that h'es doing good and I ask if she got her Folio and she said yeah and she had to go to someones old house today to get stuff...I think it was her grandfathers old house, but
i'm not sure...But I knew she had gone because she was sorting out something they got there...I was in fear of busting out in tears on the phone, So I said I was going to see what my friend was doing but he wasn't at the computer, so i figured he wasn't home...
I'm not like mad or anything, but her not calling or anything, makes me feel like I'm waiting for disappointment..It seemed like she already knew we weren't gonna be able to hang out..I didn't even bother to ask what time she got home...So I don't even know what time she got back, She seemed pretty tired on the phone and stuff, so it seemed she had been home for a bit..I tend to assume the worst because that always seems to be whats going on...
I thought i was ready to get back with her, I had seen her alot and now I feel like I'm hardly gonna get to see her...I don't want to get back with her and then not be able to see her..Right now, I feel that is where its going on...I don't our relation ship to just be over the phone and stuff...I'm gonna...I'm gonna post something I wrote about 9 or 10 months ago...all of my older stuff is way longer than what I write now...I'm gone |
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| .... |
[Jul. 20th, 2003|04:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
I made 2 new Icons today..Go look in my pictures to see the other one...they are both awesome.....Thats about right now...I have to go eat... |
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| From The Funeral Home!! |
[Jul. 19th, 2003|08:37 pm] |
Well...I just thought I'd update..I'm at the funeral home, downstairs in the office...I'm alright...I bought this really small Dark Grey hoodie today at Wal-Mart...I wanted a new one so I bought one...I want to hang out with Ashley tomorrow...but I probably won't...Maybe...There really isn't alot to say right now...I found out today that your not allowed to say "Retards" on VH1...Found this today while watching I love the 80's, I think it was 86 but they were talking about Wheel of Fortune and Hal Sparks was said something about it " Being Funny to watch and laugh at the retards, who couldn't guess what it was" and they bleeped out retards or something...I thought it was funny and some what discouraging...Is VH1 afraid that a bunch of Retard Activists are going to Picket in front of their headquaters with signs about how"Retards have rights too" or something...Chris Skupney and Levi Pedlar can be blamed for this...Had I not met them in 2nd hour, Home Improvement, I may a different person typing this saying, I could be saying that I'm discouraged that Hal Sparks said that..But no, They opened my eyes and sort of made me realize that Retards are too padded...They get too much special attention. I can understand medical attention and stuff like that but the second someone says anything bad about them or something, people like to get their panties in a ruffle...the samething with that Eminem thing and how he says"Faggot" in his music..The activists who make bid deals are the people that make people like Eminem stars...Is he suffering because all of these homos are making big stinks about him sayind that..NO, they are made him more popular and his records sold more.Its not like he stopped using the word either...
How I got on this subject of Retards and then Eminem, I don 't know...But I'm gonna finish...
All I'm saying is that people need to lighten up about stuff like that...Am I a big fan of Eminem? No..but I am a fan of freedom of speech and Artistic Freedom as well, it just astonishes me what a stink people put up about the stupidiest shit...I think I'm done for now.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2003|01:19 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Dashboard Unplugged | ] |
Another New Icon..I just made it...Tell me what you think...I think its great...pointless update... |
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| ... |
[Jul. 18th, 2003|01:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | alright | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jack-Ass | ] |
I made a new Icon..I think its really cool..Tell me what you guys think...I'm feeling a bit better now...Life goes on I guess..This update has no content to it whatsoever...its purpose is so that Ashley Smoak will have something new to read because she checks her friends page constantly..I'm quite tired...I'm gonna go to sleep..good night... |
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| What a day... |
[Jul. 17th, 2003|10:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | This Bitter Pill-Dashboard Confessional | ] |
Man..Today Sucked...Today has been one of the worst days in awhile...I feel like I'm about to just break down and ball my eyes out...I don't even know why..I'm just lost right now...
I got my teeth cleaned today and found out I had 2 Cavaties(sp) and and one is gonna get a root canal and then crowned and is gonna get like a rod in there to hold it and the other is in my wisdom tooth and that is gonna get pulled by an Oral Surgen...
I've barely gotten to talk to Ashley today...Today Just sucked..I'm not in the mood, you know..I hate today..I wish today would have never happened..Ashley just got off line...I didn't want her to get off and she wasn't gonna but she said she had to get up early so I told her that I didnt't want to keep her up and that it was only me..So she got off...I really want to talk to her too...There is something I need to tell her..But I'm gonna wait...
I talked To Ashley Smoak about stuff yesterday...I feel way better about that....
Geez...Why am I so bummed...I'm gonna go...and be sad somewhere else |
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lsrpnk87's journal